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yuuago☆ Driving once again leaves me frustrated. I have difficulty lining up the vehicle when parking, and of course my father is no help. "You just have to line it up along the imaginary centre line and -" Dude, if you didn't notice, I have difficulty with spatial processing... grumble, grumble. Yes, it does indeed look like another professional lesson is in order - with the last one, we didn't have much time to practice parking at all. Something to focus on for the next....
☆ Pleasant surprise today: RAINBOW CROSSWALK. Saw it from the bus while I was heading to work. Looks like Pride YMM's request was granted. I'm so glad. It's just so nice to see. ...Part of me is like "Just wait, it'll be vandalized before the end of the week" but - hopefully that won't actually happen, and when I go downtown on Saturday morning I'll be able to get some pictures of it. <3
☆ Year in Hereafter: Fuck yeah, the print version is finally available! *_* Via gumroad. I'm very happy about this. <3 It'll be SO nice to read it through in print... Paper format is just so much more to my taste. (And shipping isn't as much as I thought it would be, which was nice.) I had been thinking about paying for a second set to do a raffle, similar to what I did with the SSSS book, but I don't know if that will be possible at this time for various reasons. ...Anyway. Comic-wise, we're moving toward the pages I have seen previews of. 8) I am extremely excited. 8) EXTREMELY.
☆Argh, there's nothing like that feeling when you're reading a novel and suddenly get smacked with a fish full of bad feelings because as it turns out the designated love interest has the same name as your ex. Lovely. Fortunately, this doesn't happen to me often, but eesh. On the upside, it was an audiobook; so, I went to the library to check the print version, and the character's name is spelled differently from the way he spelled it - Kai vs Cai. The C makes all the difference, and has a more pleasant association. Cai-with-a-C = Cai the Tall from The Mabinogion; my favourite version of Sir Kay. Kai-with-a-K = that (grumblemutterhuff)... individual I used to be engaged to.
[/puts face in hands] I feel like a petty ass for still being mad. In some ways, he was kind of a jerk (and a flake, and an airhead, and terrible with money, and...) And there is a part of me that thinks he might not have been entirely faithful. But that last bit is conjecture, and really, I probably shouldn't attribute to malice the things that can be explained by the fact that he had the attention span of a gnat. And sure, he was a jerk at times, but there were times when I was a jerk too, and times when I made some pretty bad decisions (I never should have accepted that proposal, for one thing, no matter how many years we'd been together. What the hell was I thinking?). Not to mention, we had some pretty good times, and I learned a lot about what I do and do not want in a relationship, if nothing else. And even if he wasn't perfect, at least he wasn't a total asshole like that other guy.
I think part of the thing is - when all of that ended, I felt like I had lost a part of myself. I didn't just lose my significant other; I also lost my best friend. He was the one that I talked to the most, in all contexts. And so many of my hobbies were things that we not only shared, but also did jointly. All of my original fiction was tangled up with him, because we shared characters and universes, and I was left feeling like I wanted to burn the lot, and like I never wanted to write prose fiction ever again. And I felt lost and empty and like a huge part of me was just gone.
(It's kind of funny - one of the poems I wrote for my honours collection compared him to a Chinook wind, and myself to Winter, and every single person who read it misinterpreted it as a representation of falling in love, when really it was about the near-complete obliteration of my sense of self.)
I'm still trying to grab hold of myself. I'm getting closer now - I feel like I'm starting to find myself again - but it's hard. That guy shattered my ice-road (and then that other asshole did even more damage) and recovering from that is so, so hard. ...But it's getting better, slowly. I feel a cold snap coming.
Tl;dr: Sudden unpleasant reminder of my ex is unpleasant; I'm still mad even though I probably shouldn't be; recovering from the end of long and significant relationships is hard.
☆ Pleasant surprise today: RAINBOW CROSSWALK. Saw it from the bus while I was heading to work. Looks like Pride YMM's request was granted. I'm so glad. It's just so nice to see. ...Part of me is like "Just wait, it'll be vandalized before the end of the week" but - hopefully that won't actually happen, and when I go downtown on Saturday morning I'll be able to get some pictures of it. <3
☆ Year in Hereafter: Fuck yeah, the print version is finally available! *_* Via gumroad. I'm very happy about this. <3 It'll be SO nice to read it through in print... Paper format is just so much more to my taste. (And shipping isn't as much as I thought it would be, which was nice.) I had been thinking about paying for a second set to do a raffle, similar to what I did with the SSSS book, but I don't know if that will be possible at this time for various reasons. ...Anyway. Comic-wise, we're moving toward the pages I have seen previews of. 8) I am extremely excited. 8) EXTREMELY.
☆Argh, there's nothing like that feeling when you're reading a novel and suddenly get smacked with a fish full of bad feelings because as it turns out the designated love interest has the same name as your ex. Lovely. Fortunately, this doesn't happen to me often, but eesh. On the upside, it was an audiobook; so, I went to the library to check the print version, and the character's name is spelled differently from the way he spelled it - Kai vs Cai. The C makes all the difference, and has a more pleasant association. Cai-with-a-C = Cai the Tall from The Mabinogion; my favourite version of Sir Kay. Kai-with-a-K = that (grumblemutterhuff)... individual I used to be engaged to.
[/puts face in hands] I feel like a petty ass for still being mad. In some ways, he was kind of a jerk (and a flake, and an airhead, and terrible with money, and...) And there is a part of me that thinks he might not have been entirely faithful. But that last bit is conjecture, and really, I probably shouldn't attribute to malice the things that can be explained by the fact that he had the attention span of a gnat. And sure, he was a jerk at times, but there were times when I was a jerk too, and times when I made some pretty bad decisions (I never should have accepted that proposal, for one thing, no matter how many years we'd been together. What the hell was I thinking?). Not to mention, we had some pretty good times, and I learned a lot about what I do and do not want in a relationship, if nothing else. And even if he wasn't perfect, at least he wasn't a total asshole like that other guy.
I think part of the thing is - when all of that ended, I felt like I had lost a part of myself. I didn't just lose my significant other; I also lost my best friend. He was the one that I talked to the most, in all contexts. And so many of my hobbies were things that we not only shared, but also did jointly. All of my original fiction was tangled up with him, because we shared characters and universes, and I was left feeling like I wanted to burn the lot, and like I never wanted to write prose fiction ever again. And I felt lost and empty and like a huge part of me was just gone.
(It's kind of funny - one of the poems I wrote for my honours collection compared him to a Chinook wind, and myself to Winter, and every single person who read it misinterpreted it as a representation of falling in love, when really it was about the near-complete obliteration of my sense of self.)
I'm still trying to grab hold of myself. I'm getting closer now - I feel like I'm starting to find myself again - but it's hard. That guy shattered my ice-road (and then that other asshole did even more damage) and recovering from that is so, so hard. ...But it's getting better, slowly. I feel a cold snap coming.
Tl;dr: Sudden unpleasant reminder of my ex is unpleasant; I'm still mad even though I probably shouldn't be; recovering from the end of long and significant relationships is hard.
Yuu. Fic writer & book lover. M/Canada.
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Date: 2017-07-28 10:31 pm (UTC)