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yuuago☆ Driving once again leaves me frustrated. I have difficulty lining up the vehicle when parking, and of course my father is no help. "You just have to line it up along the imaginary centre line and -" Dude, if you didn't notice, I have difficulty with spatial processing... grumble, grumble. Yes, it does indeed look like another professional lesson is in order - with the last one, we didn't have much time to practice parking at all. Something to focus on for the next....
☆ Pleasant surprise today: RAINBOW CROSSWALK. Saw it from the bus while I was heading to work. Looks like Pride YMM's request was granted. I'm so glad. It's just so nice to see. ...Part of me is like "Just wait, it'll be vandalized before the end of the week" but - hopefully that won't actually happen, and when I go downtown on Saturday morning I'll be able to get some pictures of it. <3
☆ Year in Hereafter: Fuck yeah, the print version is finally available! *_* Via gumroad. I'm very happy about this. <3 It'll be SO nice to read it through in print... Paper format is just so much more to my taste. (And shipping isn't as much as I thought it would be, which was nice.) I had been thinking about paying for a second set to do a raffle, similar to what I did with the SSSS book, but I don't know if that will be possible at this time for various reasons. ...Anyway. Comic-wise, we're moving toward the pages I have seen previews of. 8) I am extremely excited. 8) EXTREMELY.
☆Argh, there's nothing like that feeling when you're reading a novel and suddenly get smacked with a fish full of bad feelings because as it turns out the designated love interest has the same name as your ex. Lovely. Fortunately, this doesn't happen to me often, but eesh. On the upside, it was an audiobook; so, I went to the library to check the print version, and the character's name is spelled differently from the way he spelled it - Kai vs Cai. The C makes all the difference, and has a more pleasant association. Cai-with-a-C = Cai the Tall from The Mabinogion; my favourite version of Sir Kay. Kai-with-a-K = that (grumblemutterhuff)... individual I used to be engaged to.
[/puts face in hands] I feel like a petty ass for still being mad. In some ways, he was kind of a jerk (and a flake, and an airhead, and terrible with money, and...) And there is a part of me that thinks he might not have been entirely faithful. But that last bit is conjecture, and really, I probably shouldn't attribute to malice the things that can be explained by the fact that he had the attention span of a gnat. And sure, he was a jerk at times, but there were times when I was a jerk too, and times when I made some pretty bad decisions (I never should have accepted that proposal, for one thing, no matter how many years we'd been together. What the hell was I thinking?). Not to mention, we had some pretty good times, and I learned a lot about what I do and do not want in a relationship, if nothing else. And even if he wasn't perfect, at least he wasn't a total asshole like that other guy.
I think part of the thing is - when all of that ended, I felt like I had lost a part of myself. I didn't just lose my significant other; I also lost my best friend. He was the one that I talked to the most, in all contexts. And so many of my hobbies were things that we not only shared, but also did jointly. All of my original fiction was tangled up with him, because we shared characters and universes, and I was left feeling like I wanted to burn the lot, and like I never wanted to write prose fiction ever again. And I felt lost and empty and like a huge part of me was just gone.
(It's kind of funny - one of the poems I wrote for my honours collection compared him to a Chinook wind, and myself to Winter, and every single person who read it misinterpreted it as a representation of falling in love, when really it was about the near-complete obliteration of my sense of self.)
I'm still trying to grab hold of myself. I'm getting closer now - I feel like I'm starting to find myself again - but it's hard. That guy shattered my ice-road (and then that other asshole did even more damage) and recovering from that is so, so hard. ...But it's getting better, slowly. I feel a cold snap coming.
Tl;dr: Sudden unpleasant reminder of my ex is unpleasant; I'm still mad even though I probably shouldn't be; recovering from the end of long and significant relationships is hard.
☆ Pleasant surprise today: RAINBOW CROSSWALK. Saw it from the bus while I was heading to work. Looks like Pride YMM's request was granted. I'm so glad. It's just so nice to see. ...Part of me is like "Just wait, it'll be vandalized before the end of the week" but - hopefully that won't actually happen, and when I go downtown on Saturday morning I'll be able to get some pictures of it. <3
☆ Year in Hereafter: Fuck yeah, the print version is finally available! *_* Via gumroad. I'm very happy about this. <3 It'll be SO nice to read it through in print... Paper format is just so much more to my taste. (And shipping isn't as much as I thought it would be, which was nice.) I had been thinking about paying for a second set to do a raffle, similar to what I did with the SSSS book, but I don't know if that will be possible at this time for various reasons. ...Anyway. Comic-wise, we're moving toward the pages I have seen previews of. 8) I am extremely excited. 8) EXTREMELY.
☆Argh, there's nothing like that feeling when you're reading a novel and suddenly get smacked with a fish full of bad feelings because as it turns out the designated love interest has the same name as your ex. Lovely. Fortunately, this doesn't happen to me often, but eesh. On the upside, it was an audiobook; so, I went to the library to check the print version, and the character's name is spelled differently from the way he spelled it - Kai vs Cai. The C makes all the difference, and has a more pleasant association. Cai-with-a-C = Cai the Tall from The Mabinogion; my favourite version of Sir Kay. Kai-with-a-K = that (grumblemutterhuff)... individual I used to be engaged to.
[/puts face in hands] I feel like a petty ass for still being mad. In some ways, he was kind of a jerk (and a flake, and an airhead, and terrible with money, and...) And there is a part of me that thinks he might not have been entirely faithful. But that last bit is conjecture, and really, I probably shouldn't attribute to malice the things that can be explained by the fact that he had the attention span of a gnat. And sure, he was a jerk at times, but there were times when I was a jerk too, and times when I made some pretty bad decisions (I never should have accepted that proposal, for one thing, no matter how many years we'd been together. What the hell was I thinking?). Not to mention, we had some pretty good times, and I learned a lot about what I do and do not want in a relationship, if nothing else. And even if he wasn't perfect, at least he wasn't a total asshole like that other guy.
I think part of the thing is - when all of that ended, I felt like I had lost a part of myself. I didn't just lose my significant other; I also lost my best friend. He was the one that I talked to the most, in all contexts. And so many of my hobbies were things that we not only shared, but also did jointly. All of my original fiction was tangled up with him, because we shared characters and universes, and I was left feeling like I wanted to burn the lot, and like I never wanted to write prose fiction ever again. And I felt lost and empty and like a huge part of me was just gone.
(It's kind of funny - one of the poems I wrote for my honours collection compared him to a Chinook wind, and myself to Winter, and every single person who read it misinterpreted it as a representation of falling in love, when really it was about the near-complete obliteration of my sense of self.)
I'm still trying to grab hold of myself. I'm getting closer now - I feel like I'm starting to find myself again - but it's hard. That guy shattered my ice-road (and then that other asshole did even more damage) and recovering from that is so, so hard. ...But it's getting better, slowly. I feel a cold snap coming.
Tl;dr: Sudden unpleasant reminder of my ex is unpleasant; I'm still mad even though I probably shouldn't be; recovering from the end of long and significant relationships is hard.
Yuu. Fic writer & book lover. M/Canada.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-26 06:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-26 02:09 pm (UTC)<3 I'm so glad to hear that you feel that way.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-26 08:05 am (UTC)Nevertheless, even if things ended badly... it's a part of what made me who I am today. And I'm pretty happy with who I am today (except in bad days of course...) so I'm at this point I just admit that okay, it had happened, and there are some good points, and there are the bad ones too, and as you said "I know myself better now". I think it's something similar for you ? In the admitting that it's a part of your past/story ?
My ex-boyfriend was a friend first, so I relate to your feeling of having lost a part of you... but time helps. (My sentence isn't helping, right ? *Half apologizing smile*)
Mélusine
no subject
Date: 2017-07-26 02:09 pm (UTC)[/hugs!]
no subject
Date: 2017-07-26 10:04 am (UTC)For the first year or so, it kinda feels like losing a limb (I've never lost limbs but I feel it's probably like this) - it affects every detail of your daily life in surprising ways, and makes everything more difficult and sadder. "I should have some tea... well fuck they gave me this tea, I thought I got rid of all their stuff" - cue more feelings than you need at the beginning of a work day. Managing to have a good time at a party despite yourself, until you hear music that your ex likes, or you see a stranger who has piercings that remind you of them. And that terrible feeling of equally missing and hating the same person, almost every single moment. It's very hard to live with yourself until all of that eventually subsides. It's not petty though, it's just really human. Emotions have a lot of inertia. *lots of hugs if you want them*
Oh funny thing btw, the thing where a character's name triggers memories of your bad ex, I have it with SSSS, confounded by the fact that the character and my ex have similar personalities as well. It was terrible at first and nearly prevented me from getting into the comic, but eventually I think it helped desensitize me to those memories and really get over the break-up.
LK
no subject
Date: 2017-07-26 02:13 pm (UTC)(Glad you eventually managed to get into SSSS in spite of the reminder. Otherwise we probably never would have met. xD)
no subject
Date: 2017-07-26 12:25 pm (UTC)I'm so excited for Year in Hereafter! :D I grabbed a copy of the book the moment I saw that announcement! (I might have been the person Karo was referring to in her Tweets because I was so overjoyed and wanted a copy ASAP XD Ooops!) And ahh! Is it Friday yet? I want the next update!
And ouch, I'm so sorry to hear that. I've never been in a relationship but in terms of friendship, the name Sarah carried such a heavy burden for years (thankfully not so much anymore. I even named an OC Sarrat for a fanfic.) But yeah, horrible horrible person who left me so scarred that I was super wary of any other friendship I had formed since and feeling tongue-tied and needing to run away if I saw traces of The Sarah™ reemerge. And there may still be damages to heal from now, I don't know, but it is a slow process, and it's nothing shameful about that. I would say I'm in a much better spot now, but it has been a very long time. *HUGS*
no subject
Date: 2017-07-26 02:16 pm (UTC)PFFF, that was you? I was like "WHO THE HELL IS EVEN MORE THIRSTY FOR THE YIH COMIC THAN I AM...." I should have known. xD
[/hugsssss]
no subject
Date: 2017-07-28 10:31 pm (UTC)