I'm just such a happy mess

[yuuago]

I don't feel good. I don't feel right. You can tell just by looking that something isn't right.

I keep falling and falling and trying to get back up but it's so hard.

And school regardless, everything else, that cloud hanging over me is back again. I don't know how to get rid of it.

I went walking downtown today just for something to do. It was cold and now my cheeks are wind-whipped. The sky was grey. Winter sky. Of course it's grey. Not a very sunny one, this day. As I was heading back to my house I was just overcome with the urge to cry. I don't understand it at all.

This melancholia keeps coming and sometimes I feel like I just can't get rid of it no matter what I do. Every time I feel like I've made progress - it turns out I really haven't. It seems like every day is a battle and I just - Argh, I don't know. I want to be better. I don't want to be sick any more.

I find myself clinging, and that's another sign that things are not right. I don't express it outwardly so much; it's more of an inward thing. She says it's fine, it's fine - but it isn't, it really isn't. I shouldn't cling to a person so much. I shouldn't put so much on her, even if I'm only doing it in my head. It isn't right, and it isn't healthy. It shows I'm not right. I do things like this the most when I'm not right.


I think what I need to do tonight is clean up my house, go for a walk after supper, have a bath in the late evening, and then go to bed at a "reasonable" time. And by "reasonable" I mean "not 3 AM".

Anyway. Went downtown today. Felt like taking a walk, so I walked, even though it was cold. I was hoping I'd come across some nice blown-glass ornaments, because every year I get my mum a new one for Christmas. But I didn't really find anything. I think that maybe I should wait until I head up to Fort McMurray, because there is a really nice little store up there that as tons of gorgeous ornaments. It's a little bit hard to get to, because it's at the Heritage Park, which means it isn't really within easy walking distance of anything - but that's fine. I won't need to be anywhere. I can take my time with walking.

I received a package notice yesterday from UPS. Likely the stuff from Amazon that I ordered - Christmas present for my father. Less expensive to get it that way than at the store. I'm rather annoyed, because I was at home at the time, and if they had knocked on the foyer door, as they usually do, I would have heard it. Or sometimes they just leave the package in the foyer, which is okay but I'd really prefer if it's handed over... Argh. I just. *facedesk* How annoying. Well, I'll be sure to be up and awake and dressed and on the look-out on Monday morning, so that I'll be able to notice them coming, and will be able to get it. I don't want to have to take the time to go down to the UPS place for pickup.

Completely unrelated: If my bro asks me what he should get me for giftmas, I am totally going to tell him that he should just get me a big-ass bottle of kahlua again. Seriously. Best present ever.

... I feel a bit better now.

Comments

[chikotori.livejournal.com]

I... don't know what to say.

Except that I love you for that whole 'language and identity' tl;dr you did. I just, idk, really appreciate that you took the time to think and type out all that. I probably won't get around to replying until tomorrow though.

Also, I can see why you like Kay.

[yuuago]

I feel a lot lot lot better now, soooo... yes.

Anyway, I enjoyed babbling about it! Though I probably could have said things better now that I think about it - buuuut no matter. It's just a topic I find really really interesting. Take all the time you need.

I take it this means you've been reading Culhwch and Olwen?

[chikotori.livejournal.com]

That's good to hear ♥

Hindsight is every perfect. If I were to look back at all the stuff I've wrote (which I do, actually) I would see all the typos I've made and how I could have worded things better.

And yes, I have. Good lord, they are hardcore. The list of Arthur's warriors and the list of trials... I stopped after he finished listing the trials but I'm planning to finish this story tonight. Anyway. There was one part when they went to ask for Olwen and a woman came out to greet them and Kei took up a log so she squeezed that log to mush instead of him and he was like "Woman, if that was me no one else would need to love me." LOL. And of course the earlier part when he was like the sane advisor to Arthur.
...though I must admit I might have been biased from the start since you mentioned you like this story best.

[yuuago]

Yeahhh this is true. Gods know, I'm horrible with typos and wording too. I should learn to proofread one of these days.

And I know eh. They are so fucking badass. Also, fffffff that scene with the log is one of my favourites. Cei is just... he's so deliciously snarky. Oh man, I just love him so much. I can't stand the way he's portrayed in stuff with more French influence, guhhhh.

[chikotori.livejournal.com]

Hey hey Professor Yuu 8D

Two questions:
1. Why did Kei get pissed off at Arthur for singing a silly song about him getting the beard of Dillus?
2. Are there any other stories where Kei appears, free from French influence? ('cause damn, after that incident, he left the story.)

[yuuago]

Hey hey dear

1. It's kind of a complicated thing and to be honest, even scholars are not 100% sure as to how this should be interpreted. However, general sense seems to be that the song, while light-hearted, was interpreted by Cei to be an insult to his honour, because it insinuated that there was the possibility that he could fail in his task and/or that he possibly would not be able to stand up to Dillus if he had obtained the beard in a non-sneaky way. Basically, spoken words are being taken Very Seriously.

2. Mmmph. Trying to think. There are very few that I have actually read, so it's hard to remember titles that have Cei portrayed in a favourable light. Well, if you have a copy of The Mabinogion, it will probably have The Dream of Rhonabwy in it, and Cei has a short appearance in that. While he doesn't have a huge part, he is basically portrayed as this super-awesome guy.

Aside from that, the only thing I can think of is Sir Tomas Malory's Le Morte D'Arthur. While it does have some French influence, and Cei certainly does take back-seat to Launcelot, there are some moments where Cei is pretty damn awesome - while he's sometimes shoved into the buffoon role, he is also portrayed as a good, honourable knight, has a significant presence in the first few sections, and does a few badass things (he saved Arthur and Gwenhwyfar at one point).

More material probably exists; it's just that I haven't read it yet.

[chikotori.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, Very Seriously indeed, given that "Kei would have nothing to do with Arthur from then on". Honour seems to have a weird interpretation here sometimes. I mean, in an earlier story there was this guy who stole someone's wife by plotting with the wife to sneakily kill the husband... and well. Anyway.

The Dream of Rhonabwy is the next story actually. Good. Le Morte D'Arthur is in poetry form, isn't it? That... is going to be tough, I don't do so well with poems. Oh well. We'll see how things go.

Thanks for answering, and derp, it's that late already. Good night.

[yuuago]

Yeah, early Welsh ideas about honour were... very different from anything resembling modern. It's something I find absolutely fascinating, and I really don't know as much about it as I wish I id.

As for Le Morte Darthur, it's actually in prose, not poetry. So you'll probably have an okay time with it. However, it is very long - and some parts of it, I personally would skip altogether, ff. But the parts that are good are very good.

No problem dear <3

[chikotori.livejournal.com]

*ever, I meant. I need to proofread /headdesk