I'm just such a happy mess

[yuuago]

I don't feel good. I don't feel right. You can tell just by looking that something isn't right.

I keep falling and falling and trying to get back up but it's so hard.

And school regardless, everything else, that cloud hanging over me is back again. I don't know how to get rid of it.

I went walking downtown today just for something to do. It was cold and now my cheeks are wind-whipped. The sky was grey. Winter sky. Of course it's grey. Not a very sunny one, this day. As I was heading back to my house I was just overcome with the urge to cry. I don't understand it at all.

This melancholia keeps coming and sometimes I feel like I just can't get rid of it no matter what I do. Every time I feel like I've made progress - it turns out I really haven't. It seems like every day is a battle and I just - Argh, I don't know. I want to be better. I don't want to be sick any more.

I find myself clinging, and that's another sign that things are not right. I don't express it outwardly so much; it's more of an inward thing. She says it's fine, it's fine - but it isn't, it really isn't. I shouldn't cling to a person so much. I shouldn't put so much on her, even if I'm only doing it in my head. It isn't right, and it isn't healthy. It shows I'm not right. I do things like this the most when I'm not right.


I think what I need to do tonight is clean up my house, go for a walk after supper, have a bath in the late evening, and then go to bed at a "reasonable" time. And by "reasonable" I mean "not 3 AM".

Anyway. Went downtown today. Felt like taking a walk, so I walked, even though it was cold. I was hoping I'd come across some nice blown-glass ornaments, because every year I get my mum a new one for Christmas. But I didn't really find anything. I think that maybe I should wait until I head up to Fort McMurray, because there is a really nice little store up there that as tons of gorgeous ornaments. It's a little bit hard to get to, because it's at the Heritage Park, which means it isn't really within easy walking distance of anything - but that's fine. I won't need to be anywhere. I can take my time with walking.

I received a package notice yesterday from UPS. Likely the stuff from Amazon that I ordered - Christmas present for my father. Less expensive to get it that way than at the store. I'm rather annoyed, because I was at home at the time, and if they had knocked on the foyer door, as they usually do, I would have heard it. Or sometimes they just leave the package in the foyer, which is okay but I'd really prefer if it's handed over... Argh. I just. *facedesk* How annoying. Well, I'll be sure to be up and awake and dressed and on the look-out on Monday morning, so that I'll be able to notice them coming, and will be able to get it. I don't want to have to take the time to go down to the UPS place for pickup.

Completely unrelated: If my bro asks me what he should get me for giftmas, I am totally going to tell him that he should just get me a big-ass bottle of kahlua again. Seriously. Best present ever.

... I feel a bit better now.

Comments

[yuuago]

Oh you.

Fail, man. Big fail.

*boots*

[noonish.livejournal.com]

/cries


/rolls all over your post

[yuuago]

*watches*

Well. 's not very dignified of you.

[noonish.livejournal.com]

/eats french fries

[yuuago]

*eats frozen blackberries* <3

[noonish.livejournal.com]

french fries are better

/steals berries

[yuuago]

That so.

*steals back*

[noonish.livejournal.com]

yes.

/poke

[yuuago]

I don't believe it.

*prod*