(no subject)

[yuuago]

Man, one of the things that I really hate about exercising is the load of intrusive thoughts my brain dumps on me.

I'm just trying to do some yoga here, man, I'd rather not have an unending stream of "I want to die" for half an hour or so.

I tend to have this problem less frequently when I'm out walking, because of the necessity of paying attention to my surroundings, and just looking around in general; all that keeps my brain occupied. (Though the intrusive thoughts do happen; it just happens less.)

Like, I know that I need to do this stuff, because I'll feel (physically) better after, but oh man I really could do without wishing I could keel over and expire on the spot.

Basically, whenever I'm not engaging my mind with something, there's the risk that my internal monologue will jump up with "Okay, so, have you considered DEATH?"

My brain is a total shit and it needs to get a life.

On the upside, at least I understand what's going on here. Intrusive thoughts are a thing, depression sure is a thing. That's... good to know.

Man, there were so many years when I had no clue that all of this random intrusive despair was just my brain trying to kill me. Like, I remember experiencing this garbage when I was a kid, even. (Pretty sure I have memories of feeling this way when we were living at our previous location, so... under 12, at least.) And understanding it wouldn't have made it better, but it would've made it easier to handle, I think. On account of knowing that there was actually something wrong, instead of just having all of this pain and not understanding why and thinking it was just my own fault, or that I was a bad person, and that I really should die. Or something.

So, right now, I'm not sad, I'm just mad. My brain sure is a fucker. Go lick ass, brain. Get the hell out.

It's like having the most obnoxious backseat driver ever, except it's in your head.

Ugh. Trying to think of something else while this is going on doesn't usually help (it tends to go back to "I want to die" pretty quickly) but I figure next time I'll try it again anyway.... Considering practising Norwegian, maybe the counting. Or maybe French. I've forgotten a lot of French, but I do remember a lot of the counting, as well as the "joy" of attempting to memorize conjugation tables. (So many hours trying to bang avoir and étre into my skull... shudder.)

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Comments

[kiraly]

*hugs* That sounds awful, I'm sorry it keeps happening. I wonder if it would help to listen to something while you exercise? Something like a podcast or an audiobook, something with a story to follow (because it can be easier to tune music out). I don't know, I find those helpful for when I'm driving long distances, because it makes the time seem to go faster, so it's possible it'd help with this too.

[yuuago]

[/hugs!]

You know, I never considered podcasts etc. :Va I'll have to keep the volume down, on account of other people in the house, buuut... wouldn't hurt to give it a try! Thanks. <3

[(Anonymous)]

"It's like having the most obnoxious backseat driver ever, except it's in your head."
And we all have it, have one little voice whispering only bad things to ourselves. The bad news is that we can't get rid off it. The good news is that we can learn to recognize and ignore it a bit more. All can turn better, I promise *Hugs*

Mélusine

[yuuago]

Yeah. <3 At least I DO know now that it's just something that I need to ignore.

[/hugs!]

[(Anonymous)]

Oh yeah, tell me about it. My "how about DEATH" happens when I shower, try to do taxes or pay bills, dress to go out, start working and didn't hit flow yet, think about my future etc. Basically 80% of what is needed to make me a functional human. So, I avoid doing these things. This gets me in deep trouble which results in more frustration and more not wanting to exist. The cherry on top is that my brain wildly switches between the depressive approach "death sure would be nice" and the anxiety approach "oh god what if I die soon". I haven't yet found an approach that deals with both except drowning my thoughts the fuck out with physical activity combined with music or podcasts (so yeah one more vote for those). Too bad I can't always resort to it for practical reasons, and if I need to *really* focus, I have to turn off the distractions.

At least you seem mostly on top of it, which is at least somewhat safer, though it doesn't make it easier or more pleasant. Life with depression just sucks and I'm sorry you experience this.

LK

[yuuago]

Man, that sounds like absolute shit. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

I'm mostly on top of it at this particular point in time, yeah, and I'm so grateful for that. It sucks now, but it could be (and has been) SO MUCH WORSE. Ugh.

All one can do is flip their brain the bird and... keep going, I guess. :V