(no subject)

[yuuago]

Man, one of the things that I really hate about exercising is the load of intrusive thoughts my brain dumps on me.

I'm just trying to do some yoga here, man, I'd rather not have an unending stream of "I want to die" for half an hour or so.

I tend to have this problem less frequently when I'm out walking, because of the necessity of paying attention to my surroundings, and just looking around in general; all that keeps my brain occupied. (Though the intrusive thoughts do happen; it just happens less.)

Like, I know that I need to do this stuff, because I'll feel (physically) better after, but oh man I really could do without wishing I could keel over and expire on the spot.

Basically, whenever I'm not engaging my mind with something, there's the risk that my internal monologue will jump up with "Okay, so, have you considered DEATH?"

My brain is a total shit and it needs to get a life.

On the upside, at least I understand what's going on here. Intrusive thoughts are a thing, depression sure is a thing. That's... good to know.

Man, there were so many years when I had no clue that all of this random intrusive despair was just my brain trying to kill me. Like, I remember experiencing this garbage when I was a kid, even. (Pretty sure I have memories of feeling this way when we were living at our previous location, so... under 12, at least.) And understanding it wouldn't have made it better, but it would've made it easier to handle, I think. On account of knowing that there was actually something wrong, instead of just having all of this pain and not understanding why and thinking it was just my own fault, or that I was a bad person, and that I really should die. Or something.

So, right now, I'm not sad, I'm just mad. My brain sure is a fucker. Go lick ass, brain. Get the hell out.

It's like having the most obnoxious backseat driver ever, except it's in your head.

Ugh. Trying to think of something else while this is going on doesn't usually help (it tends to go back to "I want to die" pretty quickly) but I figure next time I'll try it again anyway.... Considering practising Norwegian, maybe the counting. Or maybe French. I've forgotten a lot of French, but I do remember a lot of the counting, as well as the "joy" of attempting to memorize conjugation tables. (So many hours trying to bang avoir and étre into my skull... shudder.)

Maybe tomorrow will be better.