:｡･:*:･ﾟ'☆
Oct. 17th, 2017 07:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yuuagoThis sure is one disorganized, wordvomit-y, navel-gazey braindump.
Man, I was thinking about some stuff I found when I was poking around in the library this weekend. I was looking through some of their witchcraft books and couldn't help but feel - ehhh, how do I put this.
Well, I felt the same way I do every time I take a look toward mainstream witchcraft: discouraged. Because a flip through is enough for me to figure out this isn't what I'm looking for. Ditto for discussion - reading what others have to say about it, or listening in on in-person conversations... there's that feeling again; that this isn't what I'm looking for feeling.
And it's hard to go looking for the right thing, because I don't have the vocabulary for it. I don't know how to boil it down. Not even really sure what it looks like. It's an "I'll know it when I see it" thing. How annoying.
I've been a solo practitioner for so long that, even if I did happen to meet someone that I could have a frank conversation about witchcraft with, I'm not sure I would even be able to articulate my thoughts on anything.
Also, while there is a part of me that wants to engage in some way - even if it's just reading what others have to say - there is another part of me that finds it all very alienating, because while I technically fall under the broad umbrella of witchcraft practitioners, so much of it just... doesn't seem to apply to me.
Now that I think of it, it's kind of similar to how I feel when I try to engage with/read about LGBT2QA subjects. That same sort of "this isn't what I'm looking for, I don't relate to this, this doesn't reflect me or my experience". With LGBT stuff, it's partly because I'm heavily closeted, and partly because so many sources are American, and partly for other reasons. And... come to think of it, the same thing applies with witchcraft/paganism, somewhat. I'm very much in the (broom) closet, and so many of the discussions/books/resources assume faiths that don't apply to me (typically Gardnerian Wicca, but not always), and a mishmash of other stuff. ...I only realized the similarity just now. I don't know what to do with it, mind you.
Haa, things would probably be so much easier if I could cleave to a specific practice. Unfortunately, no, that's not how I operate. And one thing I do know for sure is that while I find Slavic paganism very interesting, I could never be a practitioner of it.
Anyway, that doesn't matter, because my goddess is not Marzanna. I find it interesting to look at Boreal Winter as a Marzanna analogue, but it/she is not the same entity.
I guess one thing that's important for me to do is to just... disregard what anyone else is doing, and work on figuring out a form of specifically Boreal nature-based paganism/witchcraft that works for me. Don't talk to me about oak and holly; it's all black spruce and wild rose over here. ...If you know what I mean.
But, I'm so used to just doing my own thing (or, well, having to do my own thing) that sometimes it gets... lonely. A little. Not just with this stuff. I mean, with pretty much anything.
Oh, well.
Ugh, I should take some time this weekend to go mucking around in the woods. I think I'll feel a lot better if I do that. I don't know where I put my bear whistle, so I'll have to find it before I do anything - running into bears is still a risk right now, obviously - but, yes. At least I won't have to battle mosquitoes at this time of year.
Man, I was thinking about some stuff I found when I was poking around in the library this weekend. I was looking through some of their witchcraft books and couldn't help but feel - ehhh, how do I put this.
Well, I felt the same way I do every time I take a look toward mainstream witchcraft: discouraged. Because a flip through is enough for me to figure out this isn't what I'm looking for. Ditto for discussion - reading what others have to say about it, or listening in on in-person conversations... there's that feeling again; that this isn't what I'm looking for feeling.
And it's hard to go looking for the right thing, because I don't have the vocabulary for it. I don't know how to boil it down. Not even really sure what it looks like. It's an "I'll know it when I see it" thing. How annoying.
I've been a solo practitioner for so long that, even if I did happen to meet someone that I could have a frank conversation about witchcraft with, I'm not sure I would even be able to articulate my thoughts on anything.
Also, while there is a part of me that wants to engage in some way - even if it's just reading what others have to say - there is another part of me that finds it all very alienating, because while I technically fall under the broad umbrella of witchcraft practitioners, so much of it just... doesn't seem to apply to me.
Now that I think of it, it's kind of similar to how I feel when I try to engage with/read about LGBT2QA subjects. That same sort of "this isn't what I'm looking for, I don't relate to this, this doesn't reflect me or my experience". With LGBT stuff, it's partly because I'm heavily closeted, and partly because so many sources are American, and partly for other reasons. And... come to think of it, the same thing applies with witchcraft/paganism, somewhat. I'm very much in the (broom) closet, and so many of the discussions/books/resources assume faiths that don't apply to me (typically Gardnerian Wicca, but not always), and a mishmash of other stuff. ...I only realized the similarity just now. I don't know what to do with it, mind you.
Haa, things would probably be so much easier if I could cleave to a specific practice. Unfortunately, no, that's not how I operate. And one thing I do know for sure is that while I find Slavic paganism very interesting, I could never be a practitioner of it.
Anyway, that doesn't matter, because my goddess is not Marzanna. I find it interesting to look at Boreal Winter as a Marzanna analogue, but it/she is not the same entity.
I guess one thing that's important for me to do is to just... disregard what anyone else is doing, and work on figuring out a form of specifically Boreal nature-based paganism/witchcraft that works for me. Don't talk to me about oak and holly; it's all black spruce and wild rose over here. ...If you know what I mean.
But, I'm so used to just doing my own thing (or, well, having to do my own thing) that sometimes it gets... lonely. A little. Not just with this stuff. I mean, with pretty much anything.
Oh, well.
Ugh, I should take some time this weekend to go mucking around in the woods. I think I'll feel a lot better if I do that. I don't know where I put my bear whistle, so I'll have to find it before I do anything - running into bears is still a risk right now, obviously - but, yes. At least I won't have to battle mosquitoes at this time of year.
Yuu. Fic writer & book lover. M/Canada.
no subject
Date: 2017-10-18 11:35 pm (UTC)LK
no subject
Date: 2017-10-19 12:44 am (UTC)And somehow, there is something about it that makes me feel very... childish? Juvenile? The whole "~I don't fit in~" thing. Or at least that specific phrasing for articulating the feeling. Like I should have been over that decades ago, theoretically. Except now it's just - same shit, different pile.
Aaanyway. It's nice to know that someone kind of understands where I'm coming from. /BROFIST OF SOLIDARITY orz
no subject
Date: 2017-10-19 02:52 pm (UTC)Though, if you really think about it, witchcraft and queer spaces and such are places where people are allowed to be "weird" by average standards. And of course it hurts when people explicitly or implicitly say "yeah but not YOUR exact kind of weird", especially if you yourself accept and respect the others.
Also, being closeted (about any aspect of life, not just queerness) is such a drain. And being laughed at when you try to come out a little because people don't get it and they don't want to.
Oh well. Sorry for making it so dark. I don't think it has to be. Our luck can turn anytime, eh. /BROFIST OF SOLIDARITY
no subject
Date: 2017-10-19 02:53 pm (UTC)