:｡･:*:･ﾟ'☆

[yuuago]

Every now and then, I open the door and poke my nose into pagan communities. Just kind of looking around, you know how it is. But after five minutes or so, I find myself scrambling back out and shutting the door.

There's some weird stuff out there, man. And it's kind of - I often end up feeling simultaneously too serious about it, and nowhere serious enough. Like, the way I conduct myself with regard to this tends to be with sober restraint - very "serious" in bearing. But some of the people out there... they're very serious, if you know what I mean. And I find myself wanting to back away slowly, while at the same time wishing I could bring myself to be so passionate.

(Also, apparently male witches are controversial. I did not know this, though I guess I should have expected it. I'm sure you all can guess how I feel about that.)

...Anyway.

I haven't been able to bring myself to do a reading since April. But I'm feeling pretty good now. So... maybe it's time to do one now.



One card. Pacific Rim deck. I decided to go with this one instead of the Rider-Waite because the latter feels too... serious. I'm not ready to touch it yet.

While it's on my mind, I'm thinking that maybe I should make a note to get a proper box for this deck. Right now, it's just in the postal box that was used to mail it. ...On the other hand, most ~fancy~ deck boxes only have room for the deck and a few tiny extras, whereas the postal box is wide enough to fit the deck and the book and some other little things. And it's nice and sturdy, even though it's cardboard, and it has a secure closure -- Maybe I should just decorate this box? Heh.

Card: Seven of Pentacles, "Failure". PFFF--- well, that's, uh. Not reassuring on first glance.

Like previously, since this deck is based on the Thoth deck, which I don't know very well, and since it's kind of doing its own... PacRim-y-thing, I'm mainly going to go by what the book describes, rather than traditional card meanings.

...Right, so it's fear of Failure that this card represents, rather than Failure itself/in general. Fear of success, too, perhaps. All right, that's far less worrisome than I would have expected. Generally, the idea is that fear of failure prevents one reaching one's goals, and that an extra push is required in order to overcome that fear. Pretty simple.

It's definitely an issue that I understand. I think a lot of people feel that way - fearing a lack of success, or the embarrassment of trying something and then screwing it up. For me, it's something I was raised with, unfortunately - I've been told multiple times that if you can't do something well the first time, then you shouldn't bother doing it at all. The surface idea of that seems to be that it will save one from wasting one's time and effort, but when I probe underneath, I think that what it actually means is that failing to do something not only sufficiently but excellently will just bring embarrassment and shame, not only to oneself, but to one's whole family. Which is a really dramatic way of looking at things, and it isn't a productive outlook at all, but... some people in my family are very, er, like that.

This is an attitude that I'm trying to shake, because like I said, it isn't a good way to look at things. It holds one back - not only from major steps, but even from things like, oh, starting a new hobby, or learning to do something new. It's better to put aside one's fears and push forward, otherwise it's hard to get anywhere.

It won't be easy, but nothing is. I'm going to try harder.

Comments

[ichipinky]

And I find myself wanting to back away slowly, while at the same time wishing I could bring myself to be so passionate

Dude, dude, permission to high five you for a minute. Several minutes.

That feeling is precisely why I kind of...justify why I practice by myself? From time to time, I get this feeling of 'I gotta read so I can learn more!' but many sources are heavily based on Western lore which doesn't quite sit well (for me, at least) then I find local witches and I'm like, 'hey! that's awesome!' then their BOSs are giant, handcrafted tomes with information hailing from pre-colonial times like they have all the time in the world to cut and paste and study and not have two jobs to make ends meet among a ton of other things...

(sincerely sorry for the vent) but yeah! Communities are funny...

[yuuago]

:D I'm glad someone gets what I mean/feels in a similar way.

And then, I have the problem of having difficulty with finding a source to draw from. Nothing seems to fit right. And there are so many... Opinions... on who can draw from what, it's very frustrating. Not quite the same issue as what you have with the western lore vs local stuff, though. I can see how that would be its own bucket of issues.

their BOSs are giant, handcrafted tomes with information hailing from pre-colonial times
^WHOA. That sounds so cool. But it also sounds like it would be so much work to put something like that together.

No worries, vent away. :D It's nice to be able to talk to someone who has thoughts on this stuff, especially someone that I know (and that I know is reasonable....)

[ichipinky]

I have the problem of having difficulty with finding a source to draw from

Same! In part, there's this need to define what you subscribe to(? for lack of a better term) and I guess that's the reason why sources we find don't seem to fit well, exactly. Then there are practitioners saying taking things willy nilly from different kinds of practices is "not real" but then you also have those who say be as eclectic as you want as long as you practice for you!

AND THEN you're not entirely sure what works for you or not / if you have to improve what you're already doing or working with because you haven't had time to explore or practice often enough...

The BOS is gorgeous (but I don't think that level is for me). And from a completely cultural perspective, invaluable too. click here to see! :)

(Thank you, but I do feel a bit bad though, like here I am complaining and being frustrated when I can take little steps to feel good and confident about what I can do. Like I've chosen to go back / seriously look into what seemed so natural for me to do back in high school because it's helpful!!! and!!! buh OTL

Exhaustion and laziness are the ultimate enemies)

There is one source I find is quite practical and neutral enough (and kinda really wish there were more blogs like theirs), dunno if it'd fit how you practice but would you like me to share it?

[yuuago]

Then there are practitioners saying taking things willy nilly from different kinds of practices is "not real" but then you also have those who say be as eclectic as you want as long as you practice for you!

Gahh yes, it's frustrating. It's like, which to decide? I DON'T KNOW. Only from one? From multiple? I mean, ultimately it comes down to which is best for an individual person, but this view can be difficult when interacting with other people who don't share it (things can get heated). And then there are people who say, for example, that you should only take from practices that are local to you, or that match your heritage. But that... can not apply in many cases. Including my own.

tl;dr everyone is doing everything wrong all the time. :D Apparently.

TY for linking that BOS though *o* Gorgeous, but man, the dedication such would take.... like you, that level is not for me. xD

like here I am complaining and being frustrated when I can take little steps to feel good and confident about what I can do

Yeah, this is true - it's important to focus on what you're able to do, rather than worrying about what you can't. Buuuuut... I feel like every now and then, it's helpful to grump about the things that you can't do, too. :D Especially because sometimes it results in looking at the problem in a different way, or figuring out an alternate approach to it.
...Not necessarily in this discussion but in general. xD

re: the source, likelihood that it would fit my practice is very small, BUT I think I would like to read it anyway, because looking at various people's perspectives can be useful, annnd it can be pretty hard to find people talking about this stuff who are not, y'know, a little bit off the deep end.

[ichipinky]

And then there are people who say, for example, that you should only take from practices that are local to you, or that match your heritage.

This was (maybe still is, I'm adjusting my perspective) precisely my problem, because I've never felt comfy about belief systems I don't wholeheartedly believe in (i.e. gods, etc.) among other stuff. But now I'm curious about your case, if you don't mind sharing a bit of how you practice?

Because boy howdy I'd sure love to hear from, yeah, people who aren't off the deep end ^^; who practice to get by and are happy with it, if I'm making sense. What you said is true about grumping. Grumping helps. It's totally helping me right now ; vvv;

I'm linking a masterpost! I guess why I like this person is less because 'oh what they're saying fits!' and more of because their way of explaining things is practical and straightforward, and that their experiences are fun to read about honestly

[yuuago]

Thank you for that, I can hardly wait to look through it. <3 "Practical and straightforward" sounds good to me. :D

But now I'm curious about your case, if you don't mind sharing a bit of how you practice?

Aah this will be tl;dr, sorry. And I'm not used to writing this stuff down, so it might seem kind of scattered. BUT also I would like to say that if you want to talk about your approach to things, I would love to hear about that. We probably approach things very differently.

How do I practice: I don't. FFFFffffu well at least not in an elaborate way. Basically, after a long time, I've concluded that something minimal works best for me. I read tarot as a self-reflection kind of thing, but that's about the extent of that. I make a half-assed effort at observing solstices/equinoxes by ~communing with nature~ (IE going out for long walks). For a long time, I tried to kind of... sweep spirituality under the rug, because I was having a hard time dealing figuring it out. It's so messy.

There is the problem, mentioned previously, of the perception that local/heritage practices are the only appropriate systems for a person to turn to. This screwed me up for a while. It would be wrong to take from the local practices, because I am not Native (this is something I feel completely). But I did not grow up with even so much as legends/stories/folkloric traditions from my heritage, and even if I had, which tradition/pantheon to pick from? Celtic, Roman, East Slavic? Too many choices, and none of them fit. I felt stuck, and I still kind of feel that way.

I'm inclined toward something very vague and nature-based with a small amount of ancestor worship on the side. No matter which angle I look at it, that's the only thing that feels as if it fits. I acknowledge the existence of multiple gods/spirits as a kind of general idea, but the only god that I find myself feeling strongly about is a personification of Winter. On the upside, I feel very strongly about this; Winter is just about the only thing that makes me feel Yes, that's it when it comes to this stuff, probably because she is such a constant in my life. On the downside, it's frustrating, because I wish that I could feel naturally inclined toward a firmly-established pantheon rather than this fuzzy and undefined woo. In university, I dabbled in Hellenism, and while it didn't really fit well for me, it was nice to be able slip into a community of people who followed roughly the same thing, and it was at least the kind of system where you could explain it in one sentence and people would nod in understanding, rather than saying "Oh, so you make shit up as you go along" (even if I do make shit up as I go along.)

The general principle that I follow is that my gods (can't speak for anyone else's) don't actually have much to do with human beings, anyway. They're there, but they don't... interact with people or acknowledge them much. One of my friends, who is a Fennopagan, described the Finnish gods as having a tendency to forget that humans exist; I kind of figure that with my system, it's along the same lines. The gods are too busy doing their own stuff. They demand nothing, and they give nothing. I like it that way. I guess I don't like the idea of the divine poking its nose into mortal business. (This is one issue I've always had with other systems... including Hellenism. In terms of what's a good fit for me, I mean.)

When it comes to prayer/spells/magic/whatever, I... don't... It isn't my thing. When I was much younger, I tried to do some of that, but I always felt silly, like I was doing something wrong, like I was just playing pretend. So I didn't do it any more after those few times. Except once, recently, on the day of the wildfire evacuation. One of the books on Finnish magic that I bought for story research has a traditional spell to protect against wildfire, and - well, you know. I don't know if it did any good, but it made me feel better. And there is something to be said for that; the "say a spell to make yourself focus/feel better, then go and do something about the problem" approach might be an effective one, not too different from the whole Tarot self-reflection thing now that I think about it.

Sometimes I feel as if there should be something more elaborate to the way that I go about things. But attempts to explore in that direction never feel quite right. I guess it's just a matter of thinking about things, and exploring things, and figuring it out as I go along. It's worked out pretty decently so far.

[ichipinky]

Oh wow, thank you though :) I enjoy hearing about how other people practice, even if they're vastly different (with a few similarities to sort of bond over) ^^;

We probably approach things very differently.
Who knows! We might not from what I'm reading :D

Minimal is my approach as well, though admittedly less because of realizing that after exploring other ways and more of me accepting my lifestyle. I heap way too much on my plate ^^;

I'd love to be able to learn how to do conventional tarot reading. I have a strange deck and a very casual way of "reading" that might not be considered reading at all but among all the things I use, it's the most...alive thing to me. It sort of communicates back in a way that doesn't make me feel pretty much the same way you do about spells and it seeming like it's pretend :)

One of the things that complicate my practice is how I'm an atheist (I mean, for lack of a better label) I believe in energy, and how it exists strongly enough to explain the supernatural aspects of the world, and how people draw immense strength from what they believe in but I myself distance from that. 'S the main reason why it's uncomfy for me asking help from any gods

But I do respect the energy that is around in, like nature and people. For example, after moving into my new apartment here in Nagano, I did as best a grounding I could with how tired / distracted I was hoping my luck or energy wouldn't disagree with the new place I'll be living in! Good relations with the neighbors, etc.

I'd be more serious in Herbalism if I had the resources

Anything I've read on energy work I feel fits me the most. I'd be lying if I wasn't making shit up as I go along myself - most of that involving trying to rationalize what I believed in enough to sort of know how I want to practice

The gods are too busy doing their own stuff. They demand nothing, and they give nothing. I like it that way

That's a good way of seeing it. Aside from my own beliefs, I dunno, it strikes me as strange that gods, gods, would be a-ok with helping humans out directly? based on how some people talk about their experiences communing with them. I understand being helped by spirits of nature, your loving grandparents, a tulpa you met in dreams, or messengers of gods but not the higher ups themselves. Idk if I make sense ^^;

I still try out spells even if many times I feel silly :D and/or it doesn't seem to work. What I don't do is have the intention purely for ...myself? I'd rather hope the day goes well for everybody, or that I try to ease bad tension in the room for everybody or I wish someone who was nice to me a ridiculously good day. Because I feel like if I try to do something for myself, it feels like cheating ^^; like I can make a situation work or do something without a spell

the "say a spell to make yourself focus/feel better, then go and do something about the problem"
And that's a really good way to put it too. Now that I think about it, it kinda works (or at least I'd like to think so). My dad and I were stuck in heavy rain and we both needed to get home before it'd get worse and mom would worry. One of my elements is water (the other is fire! up to now, idk what to do w this information), so I tried asking the rain to ease up. It eventually stopped (might have had with or without me), but I was able to be more patient about it

Sometimes I feel as if there should be something more elaborate to the way that I go about things. But attempts to explore in that direction never feel quite right.

; v;

; vvvv;

Yes. Yes. Can I be honest and say this is convo is a great relief for me. If my own comment is tl;dr as well, sorry ^^;

[darjeeling]

I think paganism online experienced a real surge about a decade ago, when message boards and forums et all came into basically a population explosion, but now it seems like it's thinned out again. :(

[yuuago]

I've been so out of the loop, it's hard to say whether I agree... Because I still run into a lot of practitioners, but it's probably a self-selecting kind of thing.

[darjeeling]

I really do miss it, even though I often found myself with the same feeling you did... on one hand kind of admiring how thoroughly people would throw themselves into various traditions, and yet sometimes just kind of cringing at them.

Also don't pay any mind to the male witch "controversy", it's largely purported by the same people whose mental states haven't matured much past "boys are icky" despite whatever their actual age is.

[yuuago]

It happens every time I try to step into it rather than practicing solo - both on the internet and off - and the cringe factor leads me to feel as if interaction on this subject just... isn't for me, maybe. I don't mind it much, most of the time, but it does occasionally feel kind of isolating.

An re: "boys are icky", LOL. When you put it like that... yeah, it does seem like that's where it's coming from. Well, I'll just disregard it. ;p

[darjeeling]

Nah, I hear you. It's why my Kemeticism is very understated these days, I feel like putting it out there in electronic form is going to get sucked into the same current of people who take The Mummy films as literal Egyptology. ;~;