No matter what words I write, nothing turns out right

[yuuago]

Intended to do so many things tonight. Ended up not doing most of them. I popped Lawrence of Arabia into the DVD player and ended up watching it all evening. I had no idea it was so long, ugh. I would've picked something shorter otherwise. On the upside, I did get a lot of knitting done, so it wasn't a total loss.

It was rainy and cold today and I did not like it. When I went for my evening run it was chilly, like it was autumn, and I wished I had worn a sweatshirt. Still, after being stuffed inside all day, maybe that was what I need.

I realized today just how many of my clothes have holes in them. I should take a needle and thread to it tomorrow. Mum would have said "just throw them out", but that seems so wasteful to me. I can stitch decently and I have extra fabric for patching and it's just stuff I would wear inside, anyway... and I'm not as concerned as she is when it comes to maintaining the appearance of Respectability. I'm young; it's fine if I look a little bit shabby, especially if it's just in the privacy of my own home.

... At least, that's what I tell myself.

I've been having some frustration about writing lately. I think part of me wants to write original stuff, but there is a large part that also refuses to do it. In short, a few years ago, I pretty much stopped writing after I was told that my stories weren't any good. I would start again, but my ideas, the ones I want to write, they're the same ones as I had at that time.



What I have been told has merit is my poetry, but considering the poems that were being referred to at the time, I do not believe it in the slightest. Most of it was autobiographical. As far as I'm concerned, that's not worth reading. Who would want to read about my life? For that matter, why on earth would I want to write about my life? The things that happen ordinarily aren't interesting, and the things that are interesting are too painful to properly write about, and too sensitive to be shared.

I can write other poetry. Public poetry. I can write poetry on less self-focused subjects; mostly I want to do story-songs about fantastical things. But I've been told that the ideas aren't good, and that they aren't worth writing, and that they aren't worth reading.

It's very frustrating. I am concerned about audience, far more concerned about it when it comes to original stuff than I am about fanfiction. I don't care if nobody reads my fanfiction, or if people who read it think it isn't good. It's not the same with original stuff. I would want people to read it and think that it's good. Now I don't really know about all this.



I guess until I can get over this hangup, I won't be writing any original stuff at all. I guess I'll just stick with fanfiction, because it isn't something that matters.

Comments

[noonish.livejournal.com]

i think the thing with stories is that you will get people who tell you it's not good and people who like it. and in the end, the only way to know for sure if it's the story or you that's off is to write the story. writing can't work unless you're also satisfied. else it comes out cold.

you should write what you like, regardless.

[yuuago]

Thing is, it seems there are some things that are just... bad, regardless. And I can't be bothered to put in the effort to write something original if it won't get read.

[noonish.livejournal.com]

well guess it depends on what it is and what's so bad about it then. and personally i'll have to disagree with that last factor--cause i think you can't always write something simply because you want people to read it. i don't think it's that easy, cause you have to write what you feel is important too, without always worrying about those other things first.

[yuuago]

Let me put it plainly: The original stuff I want to write has no importance and no purpose if nobody else read it. If I wanted to write for myself I wouldn't even be having this dilemma.

[noonish.livejournal.com]

ah i see. well good luck then, i guess.

[yuuago]

Hopefully!

It has less to do with first ideas/drafts as it does entire concepts... to put it simply, Twilight would've been shit regardless of how well it was written. My own ideas aren't much better.

[scrii.livejournal.com]

the feeling of original things going unread is because they're from the heart and they're a part of you, and so criticism becomes much more personal, yeah..? but no matter what other people say and regardless of how negative or degrading it may seem, there will be people out there who want to read your original writing. and as tomariq said, things are never going to pop out perfect and they'll naturally be subject to harsh comments.

i know it may seem rather valueless as i know it's much, much easier said than done, but i really believe that confidence and belief in yourself is the key. you'll never know what will happen until you try and try again - and either file away the criticism so you can work on building up that self-confidence in your talent, or use them as stepping stones to greater things. (and take the compliments you do get to heart!)

and though i'm definitely no writer (despite my shoddy attempts as a kid) and this might sound a bit weird, i've read some of your writing - yes, it was fanfic, but i enjoyed it beyond the mere subject matter and i know others do too. i don't know if that means anything but i know i sure would be interested in reading your original stuff. i believe in you, don't doubt yourself yuu and best of luck <3 write the things that you enjoy and never give up, and others are bound to enjoy it too.

[yuuago]

It's kind of... it's a complicated problem. It's mostly this: Not only were my ideas shot down, but after I thought about it, I realized, they were right. They were totally right. The stuff I was working on was awful --- we're talking Twilight-level bad, here. I spent years on some of that stuff, hundreds of pages, and for what? It was a bloody waste of time.

And there's also the problem of writing for oneself - I don't want to write for myself; that's what fanfiction is for. No, I want to write original stuff to entertain other people. If the stuff I write is not readable (nor publishable either), then why bother?

Argh, I guess what it comes down to is that yes, I can construct a sentence, but first I have to get some ideas that don't suck.

(And I appreciate what you've said re: my fanfic. Though stylistically it bears more resemblance to my poetry than to my fiction, it's still nice to hear)

Gah, I dunno'. I guess the first step to improvement is to stop... angsting about it.

[scrii.livejournal.com]

well.. i don't know, what i'm thinking is that the good ideas and amazing writing that others will read/publish will come over time. if it was as bad as you/others say, then at least you're aware that you need to improve and have something to work on (and honestly, everyone has room for improvement). i don't mean to downplay your problem but i'm pretty sure that everyone has had their work harshly criticised, regardless of the time spent on it - heck, things that take less time and effort that you may not like often get more recognition, which i personally know sucks. there are always going to be setbacks of every magnitude and what i think is that if you tell yourself it's pointless to keep trying, then.. well, nothing's going to happen. again, the way i see it is that if you want to get where you want to be, you just have to keep pressing on and those brilliant, groundbreaking ideas will come over time.

and no, if you feel like angsting about it then you should. i'm sorry i'm terrible with words and can't really get across what i'm trying to say, but good luck.

[hokuton_punch]

I always really liked your original stuff - I'd love to read it again. D: *hugs*