Short, before bed

[yuuago]

I promised I would go to bed early today... wtf happened? Oh, right, I popped in a movie and lost track of time. Anyway.

Feeling better with regard to angst + etc. Mostly, now, I'm anxious about school. I have so much to do and I feel like I'll never get it all done. It's piling up and I'm so stressed out. Naturally, there's that little bit inside of me crying out, "Fuck this, I don't want to do this any more". Well, you'll just have to shut up, voice in my head. Can't be having with that attitude.

I'll do everything, and I'll do it to the best of my ability. I can't give up, and I won't. I'm not going to let myself give up, not again. I gave up last year and it was bad. So, I won't let that happen again. Part of my motivation is the trip. Everything revolves around me finishing, and finishing on time, else I won't be able to go (at least, not during the summer). Here is my plan:
-This semester: Get through it (it's hard, but I've done difficult things before. I can manage. I can do this.)
-Next semester: Finish medieval class + do Masters Project. By the end of it, I'll be done. Also, obtain passport during this time.
-During semester or after Project finished: Get a job of some kind (doesn't really matter what)
-Spring (after snow melts): Take driving lessons; get driver's license
-Summer: Finland trip (not sure when exactly)
I can handle this. I know I can. I just need to pull myself up and do it. Do it. There's a real reward here, something more than a piece of paper and a feeling of accomplishment. Don't lose this, it might be the one chance.

Come on, self, remember: Remember those long nights spent in libraries, exhausted, scanning through books for the exact information you needed. Remember walking home at 2 AM, backpack heavy with books, the streetlamps glowing yellow in the dark, the snow falling around you. You felt like a scholar, then. You really did. You can do this. Yes.

Yeah. Well, tomorrow I'll get on that. Aside from school woes, though, I'm fine. Really. Well, there's money issues. I got my credit card bill yesterday, and... uh. Well. It was what I expected it to be. That doesn't make it any better, mind, but... well. That's just how it is, I guess.

Comments

[confictionery.livejournal.com]

IF YOU'RE IN FINLAND IN JUNE HIT ME UP

Also /hugs

[yuuago]

I TOTALLY WILL
wait what, you're going to Finland too? I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS.

Also, *squeeze*

[confictionery.livejournal.com]

The plans aren't concrete yet, but I've going to be IRL trolling Europe next summer and Finland's one of the tentatively-longer stops! I haven't mentioned it much outside of the group of friends I'm crashing with because I'm afraid of jinxing it XD

[yuuago]

Aha, I see! Yeah, in some ways, I'm worried about jinxing my own trip too - but on the other hand, well, writing about it helps get my thoughts on the matter organized, so there we are.

Maybe if we're lucky we'll be able to meet up! 8D

[confictionery.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm afraid that getting too excited about it before things are really set in stone will make it fall through and break my heart 8(((

I hope so, that'd be cool! I'll be just outside Helsinki for part of it and then in Turku for some other part.

[yuuago]

Yeah D: All things considered, if it fell through for me, I could always just... go somewhere else, considering I have the money and all. But it wouldn't be the same.

I'll be just outside of Helsinki too, for the majority of the time. And she wants to take me around to various other places, but I'm not sure if it will happen - we'll have to see.

[noonish.livejournal.com]

Ahhhh, you're going to go for a driver's test? I bet you'll do well~ (If I could pass I bet you can too, haha.)

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better, even if you're still overwhelmed.

[yuuago]

Yeah. I kind of have to, for ID purposes, because my learner's license expires in July. To be honest, I don't want to do it, because driving scares me shitless and I haven't practised all that much, but I'm sure that with proper lessons it will be easier... maybe. I'm just glad that I'm doing this in Stoon, not Halfiax or whatever, which has hills and one-way streets up the wazoo.

Things are looking up. I think.

[noonish.livejournal.com]

It scared me shitless too, until I was 17 and finally stopped being anxious. IDK. Driving is...surreal somehow.

[yuuago]

I had a bad experience when my mum tried to teach me to drive, so that + fear of vehicles (and other drivers) in general = ... uh.

[(Anonymous)]

I think it's normal to feel down once in a while? I don't know if you remember the thread where I mentioned I had 5 hours of lectures and a minor breakdown, but anyway, the next day while talking with a friend, I actually broke down and cried in front of my laptop so lame. It felt rather cathartic though, so now I'm back to the usual "I can do this!" mindset.

Anyway. I had a point, I think. It's good that you can tell yourself to continue on and having a reward at the end helps. I keep reminding myself that I have something I want to achieve and I need to put in a lot of effort if I want it. I hope that by the time next autumn comes, we'll both have achieved what we want to /end cheese