(no subject)
Apr. 1st, 2024 12:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
yuuagoCame to a realization of "Oh boy, I'm sure depressed". Which isn't new information, but it's quite an experience to wake up, stare at the ceiling, and realize.
The main thing that made it come to mind, I guess, is the loss of interest in things that I used to enjoy. That's a big one. And also... it's just so hard to get out of bed these days. It's really, really difficult. And I'm bursting into tears at the slightest thing, every goddamn day, which is fucking annoying.
This is a double-layered depression nonsense with direct, pinpointable causes. First - October of previous year. Felt awful, but relatively trivial and easy to deal with, all things considered, due to being a strictly personal problem. Second and more importantly - January, this year. Obviously, work. Now, that one is big, and very nontrivial, and the icing on a shit cake. I will not be able to do anything to improve my mood until that is fixed.
Of course, the above is on top of my typical, baseline dysthymia. I remember back when I was still at USask, and I went to a shrink about it because, like now, there was just too much and my typical strategies were not working. She helped clarify that my typical low baseline was an actual thing, dysthymia (rather than just being a low-energy, asocial, sadsack grump), and then referred to the new problems as "Double depression". Hah, we'll put some depression in your depression so you can... ugh, anyway.
The upside is, this is fixable. As soon as the right work-related opportunity comes through, I'll be able to recalibrate. But in the meantime... ugh. I can deal with the dysthymia, but this other shit on top of it is hard.
Writing it out like this helps me put some specificity to the problem, put a name to it. It's a solvable issue, and I'm sure I can get through it, even if in the meantime, it totally sucks.
[edit] Man, do I ever feel awful today. On the other hand, not as bad as some days. Still, I guess I do feel the need to mark it down for posterity.
The main thing that made it come to mind, I guess, is the loss of interest in things that I used to enjoy. That's a big one. And also... it's just so hard to get out of bed these days. It's really, really difficult. And I'm bursting into tears at the slightest thing, every goddamn day, which is fucking annoying.
This is a double-layered depression nonsense with direct, pinpointable causes. First - October of previous year. Felt awful, but relatively trivial and easy to deal with, all things considered, due to being a strictly personal problem. Second and more importantly - January, this year. Obviously, work. Now, that one is big, and very nontrivial, and the icing on a shit cake. I will not be able to do anything to improve my mood until that is fixed.
Of course, the above is on top of my typical, baseline dysthymia. I remember back when I was still at USask, and I went to a shrink about it because, like now, there was just too much and my typical strategies were not working. She helped clarify that my typical low baseline was an actual thing, dysthymia (rather than just being a low-energy, asocial, sadsack grump), and then referred to the new problems as "Double depression". Hah, we'll put some depression in your depression so you can... ugh, anyway.
The upside is, this is fixable. As soon as the right work-related opportunity comes through, I'll be able to recalibrate. But in the meantime... ugh. I can deal with the dysthymia, but this other shit on top of it is hard.
Writing it out like this helps me put some specificity to the problem, put a name to it. It's a solvable issue, and I'm sure I can get through it, even if in the meantime, it totally sucks.
[edit] Man, do I ever feel awful today. On the other hand, not as bad as some days. Still, I guess I do feel the need to mark it down for posterity.
Yuu. Fic writer & book lover. M/Canada.