yuuago | (no subject)

I'm so frustrated.

I hate that I have to do all of this on my own. Especially since I know that there are people who would help me, but they live too far away. I need to help myself, but right now it seems like an almost impossible task.

And I can't ask my brother for help because it would get back to my parents somehow.

The vague desire to die has been running through my head near-constantly for weeks now. To be clear, I don't want to off myself, I just want to not exist. (Even better would be to retroactively have never existed.) And this is pretty typical for me, but it's usually an intrusive thought that pops up infrequently enough that I can just ignore it. Lately, though, it's been constantly present and I'm just so sick of it.

I would probably benefit from therapy, but it isn't safe for me to go to a therapist right now. It's one of the things on the super-long list of "stuff I can finally safely do after I move out". But I'm nowhere near close to being able to do that.

I'm just sick of absolutely everything.

[edit] I did some night driving practice tonight, and I feel a little better now. Everything still sucks, but at least I'm making an attempt toward my goal. That's better than nothing.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

*Is too far away to be really helpful but would do it if she could. Hugs. A lot of hugs*
(And please, remember that you can come to talk to me whenever you want if it's helpful.)

Mélusine

[/hugs]
Thanks Melu. :) I'll try to remember. Sometimes it's hard to talk about it to specific people (instead of writing in my journal) because there isn't an immediate solution, and few things that anyone else can actually do to help with my problem. (So it's like, why dump this on someone else? It'll just upset people. Usually talking to myself at least results in a different way of looking at the issue, or thinking of small ways I can work on it.)

Your reaction is exactly mine in such a case ;) I always fear to annoy the others and mostly never ask for help when I really need some... while knowing that sometimes, just chatting a few minutes with someone can change everything. So, don't hesitate :) If I can help, even if it's only listening, I'll do it.

Mélusine

AHA, at least you understand. <3 Well, I'll keep that in mind.

I'm also too far away to help, but I'm sending all the good thoughts and hoping that things start to improve for you. It's never fun to be in that kind of headspace. :(

[/hugs]

Thank you. <3 I'LL BE FINE it's just... pffff. [/vague gestures] Brains, man. They sure are a thing.

I'm very familiar with the "wishing I didn't exist" thoughts. For me they have been constant for so long that now they're just mundane and completely accepted. I'm like "ok brain, that time will surely come, we can wait for now".

Also, this is gonna come off wrong but I'm saying it anyway: how is it not safe to go to therapy? I assume it's because of your parents? Can't you lie and say you're attending a reading club or someshit? And even assuming they find out, what are they going to do, at worst? Kick you out? Is that really a bigger risk than continuing to drag yourself through daily life with insufficient energy and coping tools to achieve your goals? You're in deep shit either way, up to you to pick the flavor. (real question, you're the judge of that). But I'm getting the feeling that you're overestimating the power your parents have over you. You're 30, ferchrissake. You can quite literally tell them to fuck off if they're nasty. WHAT are they going to do? Literally get physical on you? Feel free to call the police in that case.

Hugs either way, and sorry for getting a bit brutal there, but I felt it might be useful. I only do that once in a blue moon, IF that, so no worries about more of that. I just wish you didn't give those idiots you live with more power than they really have.

-LK

I'm having difficulty keeping it together with the most mundane shit as it is, and I do not need the kind of instability that you're suggesting right now.