I'm just such a happy mess

[yuuago]

I don't feel good. I don't feel right. You can tell just by looking that something isn't right.

I keep falling and falling and trying to get back up but it's so hard.

And school regardless, everything else, that cloud hanging over me is back again. I don't know how to get rid of it.

I went walking downtown today just for something to do. It was cold and now my cheeks are wind-whipped. The sky was grey. Winter sky. Of course it's grey. Not a very sunny one, this day. As I was heading back to my house I was just overcome with the urge to cry. I don't understand it at all.

This melancholia keeps coming and sometimes I feel like I just can't get rid of it no matter what I do. Every time I feel like I've made progress - it turns out I really haven't. It seems like every day is a battle and I just - Argh, I don't know. I want to be better. I don't want to be sick any more.

I find myself clinging, and that's another sign that things are not right. I don't express it outwardly so much; it's more of an inward thing. She says it's fine, it's fine - but it isn't, it really isn't. I shouldn't cling to a person so much. I shouldn't put so much on her, even if I'm only doing it in my head. It isn't right, and it isn't healthy. It shows I'm not right. I do things like this the most when I'm not right.


I think what I need to do tonight is clean up my house, go for a walk after supper, have a bath in the late evening, and then go to bed at a "reasonable" time. And by "reasonable" I mean "not 3 AM".

Anyway. Went downtown today. Felt like taking a walk, so I walked, even though it was cold. I was hoping I'd come across some nice blown-glass ornaments, because every year I get my mum a new one for Christmas. But I didn't really find anything. I think that maybe I should wait until I head up to Fort McMurray, because there is a really nice little store up there that as tons of gorgeous ornaments. It's a little bit hard to get to, because it's at the Heritage Park, which means it isn't really within easy walking distance of anything - but that's fine. I won't need to be anywhere. I can take my time with walking.

I received a package notice yesterday from UPS. Likely the stuff from Amazon that I ordered - Christmas present for my father. Less expensive to get it that way than at the store. I'm rather annoyed, because I was at home at the time, and if they had knocked on the foyer door, as they usually do, I would have heard it. Or sometimes they just leave the package in the foyer, which is okay but I'd really prefer if it's handed over... Argh. I just. *facedesk* How annoying. Well, I'll be sure to be up and awake and dressed and on the look-out on Monday morning, so that I'll be able to notice them coming, and will be able to get it. I don't want to have to take the time to go down to the UPS place for pickup.

Completely unrelated: If my bro asks me what he should get me for giftmas, I am totally going to tell him that he should just get me a big-ass bottle of kahlua again. Seriously. Best present ever.

... I feel a bit better now.

Comments

[seaster.livejournal.com]

Giftmas. Giftmas! That's like the best word ever! We don't even have the "Christ" part in the Swedish word for Christmas, it's just Yule... So I keep forgetting it's supposed to be a religious holiday. I mean... it's the gifts that's the important part, right? :3 Heh. *adopts new word*

And about melancholia... I wish I knew how to get rid of it, because then I'd fix myself? And my brother. The only thing that really works for me when I feel like crying for no good reason is going to bed early. When I wake up the next day, it always feels better. Never fails. For me, it's obviously just a chemical thing in my brain. There is no reason other than that my brain suddenly got a shortage of whatever hormone it needed. Okay, so a less than happy past made me more vulnerable to this sort of thing, but there's no point for me in wondering what it is that made me feeling lethargic today, because there usually is no reason. Just my brain messing with me. The only advice I can offer is: don't think so much about it, it'll pass. (Also, medicine, but not everyone wants that...)

[yuuago]

Haa, yesss 'Giftmas' is a most excellent word <3 I love using it, think it's a nice way to differentiate between secular and religious Christmas. There's such a problem here with religious people freaking out about how "omg it's getting too secular". FINE. I'LL CALL THE SECULAR VERSION SOMETHING ELSE. Unfortunately not everyone has caught on with the trend, hah.

Anyway. Re: melancholia. You know, hearing other people talking about it, that makes me feel better in a way, because I know it isn't just me... anyway, I might try taking your advice about going to bed earlier. I need to do that anyway, all things considered.
Medication. Sigh. You know, I've tried that, but it just didn't work out - helped with the melancholia, but it also made me too high to function. So now I'm trying to deal with it myself. I wish there was just an easy fix for everything!
Anyway. Thanks for the kind words. It does mean a lot <3