yuuago: (SSSS - Emil - Shrug)
Stress stress stress stress stress stress stress.

Why? No reason in particular. Lovely.

Fuck everything. With a rake. Up the ass. Without lube. Rake-end first.

Ahhh brain-of-mine, what am I going to do with you?

Whatever. I'm going to go for a fucking walk. Maybe that'll clear things up a little.
yuuago: (A Redtail's Dream - Tuonela)
Note to self: try to get more/better sleep. YES, I KNOW, it's bright as fuck at 4AM. Close your damn blinds.

Rant-to-self )
yuuago: (YiH - Jaako - Wasn't me)
I don't know if I'm just having a Good Day as far as anxiety is concerned, orrrrr if I've hit a "I've gone so far down that I've come out the other side and NOTHING CAN HAPPEN TO ME" stage in depression. Hm.

Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.

Then again, speaking practically, I don't actually care that much about the details, as long as this "take no shit, give no fucks, if anybody takes issue with me, they can suck it" mood sticks around for a few days.

Existing is so much more fun when I'm actually feeling confident.
yuuago: (A Redtail's Dream - ?!)
I really wish my brain would stop going haywire every time I get even the slightest urge to talk to somebody I don't know.

Continued. This is dumb. )
yuuago: (NorIce - Rest)
I keep losing time. Again.

However: I've been able to do all of the things that I absolutely have to do. So, nothing essential is being neglected.

But all of this staring into space has Got To Stop.

I think I'm going to need to start being diligent with the timer. That's the only thing that worked last time.


Apr. 5th, 2017 05:49 pm
yuuago: (YiH - Sakari - Fresh air)
Anxiety grumping )

As counter to the whole bunch of kvetching above, here are some nicer things:

☆ I have two potential matches for [community profile] nightonficmountain, as well as somebody that I could treat if I decide to do that, which means I can stop worrying about whether I'll have someone to write for. (There's still plenty of time to sign up, if anybody is interested...! Tag Set and Ao3 profile/FAQ for reference. /nudge)

☆ It's just slightly over a month until Eurovision! Even though it seems like it'll be very Balladvision (according to what I've heard, anyway - I've only listened to maybe two songs), I'm still excited about it. I think this time around I might be able to listen to the semifinals, even if I'm not able to actually watch them. That would be nice. I hate having to skip them and then see everyone throwing their commentary on twitter; it makes me feel like I'm missing out on so much.

☆ My mate Tik is hinting that I should learn Polish. I'm trying to resist, but I think she might be winning. It's ridiculous, considering I haven't been spending time on Norwegian, so I shouldn't pick up another - but it couldn't hurt to learn some basics, so that I can at least understand how to pronounce everything properly... But this is how it starts. (And she's hinting that picking up Ukrainian would be easier if I know basics of at least one Slavic language. I'm still unsure if I want to even try to learn Ukrainian, but still, maybe -- she's so devious. And she knows me too well.)

[personal profile] straightforwardly reminded me about the existence of the game Never Alone*, which I've been meaning to play for ages, but forgot about for a while there. It's set in the arctic, and it's inspired by traditional Iñupiat lore, and the screenshots look so pretty... basically it's everything I love in one nice package. It might be a while before I get to this one, but I really am going to have to play it one of these days.
yuuago: (YiH - Jaako - Thinking)
Ugh, today sucked. It started off bad, then was going okay for a while, when I managed to get outside for a bit - the air and the sunlight really helped. But now it's 100% suck again.

And I really hate complaining, because it's just... something that happens, sometimes. But it's a part of my life, and it sucks, so.

Hello depression, how are you. :V

...Well. I'll try to finish editing this fic that I'm working on. And then, uh. Something. I don't know what. SIGH.
yuuago: (Small Trolls - Veeti - Skygazing)
You know, one of the shittiest things about depression is that it makes even things that I enjoy feel like a chore.

I wish I could get up the motivation to do something, anything, beyond sleeping and staring at the walls. I wish that engaging in my hobbies didn't feel like an obligation. I wish that I didn't have to force myself to do anything.

If I don't force myself to do things, then all I do is sleep. And that makes the depression worse. So I have to force myself to do something, anything. Every damn day.

To be clear, I'm not upset right now. Not upset per se. More like just pissed off that I have such fucking failtastic brain chemistry. I wish my own body weren't out to get me.

Fuck you, brain. You suck.
yuuago: (Netherlands - Coffee)
You know, if I went and exercised every time I had some kind of whacko downspiral of depression/anxiety/intrusive thoughts, like I'm supposed to be doing (at least when I'm at home)... I would be so fucking ripped, swear to god.

I should, uh. Try to do this. More often. At least a little.
yuuago: (SSSS - Emil - WHY)
/backdatebackdatebackdate arrrrgh

Hello, random anxiety, how you doin'.

THIS FUCKING SUCKS I mean, it's one thing to be stressed out when something bad happens - for the broadest definitions of "something bad", I mean, it doesn't have to be catastrophic to be shitty - but when I wake up and I'm feeling anxious for NO FUCKING REASON, this is just. Ugh.

Whyyyyyy. [/bangs head on desk]

And since it doesn't have a source, I can't fix it! Like, okay. If I'm stressed out because I need to make a phone call, I can fix it by... girding my loins and making the fucking phone call. If I'm stressed out because my room is a mess, I can take a deep breath and set a timer and get it cleaned up in increments. If I'm stressed out because I spilled an entire carton of milk, then I clean that shit up, and then get dressed to go out and buy more milk. And it still sucks and usually I still feel stressed out after, but it's a little bit less stressed out, and at least I made an attempt at... something.

But when I can't figure out the reason for the anxiety, then I just send up being a bundle of nerves for NO REASON. THIS SUCKS.

My fucking brain needs to take a hike, I swear to god.

I should... do... something... ughhhh
Brief to-do )

[Edit] I feel a lot better after that walk. orz It really helped.


Sep. 23rd, 2016 10:11 pm
yuuago: (Estonia - Unease)
Just a load of emo, really. )


Aug. 18th, 2016 11:04 pm
yuuago: (SSSS - Emil - WHY)
I thought the nights of "can't sleep because I'm too busy crying over memories of the fire" were over, buuuut I guess not. Fuck.

The subject came up at work today, and of course I couldn't avoid hearing about it. In detail. Lovely. And of course in local events, it's been present as well, because they're still working to get the most highly-damaged areas safe for occupation, and there have been some developments in that regard re: demolition and so on.

Aaand now thoughts and memories of that whole fiasco keep cycling around in my head like a terrible infomercial.

This is ridiculous. Yes, it was a horrible experience, and I would never wish it on anybody. But I had it pretty damn good. I wasn't one of those poor sods stuck in Fort McKay, I wasn't one of the people who didn't have anywhere to go after leaving the city, I didn't lose my home, I didn't lose my job. I'm okay. My family is okay. We're okay. I shouldn't be so upset. We're okay.

Then again, it was, uh. Well, it was horrible. And, I don't know, what's an acceptable level of upset before you're allowed to randomly cry about it, anyway? I guess I shouldn't be hard on myself.

Ugh, this shit sucks, but I guess there isn't much I can do about it. I should probably read some poetry and then try to rest my eyes, if not get some sleep.
yuuago: (A Redtail's Dream - Comfort)
✿ I keep forgetting that Easter is this weekend. I'm reminded, and then I forget. ...Well, I'm not one to object to stat pay. And my own spring holiday fell on a weekend this year, so it's all good.

✿ Not going to make a Reading Wednesday post today, because I am le tired, so have the condensed version: it turns out that I have indeed read Eden Robinson's Blood Sports before, but I forgot most of it until toward the end. It isn't, I think, entirely to my taste, this novel. But her writing is decent and she does some neat things with format, so I'll check out what else the library has of her. Also, just started Thomas King's Truth and Bright Water today, and while I'm barely into it so far, it's pretty good. I enjoyed his other works a lot, so I expect this'll be great too. (I HIGHLY recommend checking out Green Grass, Running Water and also his short story collection One Good Story, That One, they're both amazing.)

✿ On the subject of Thomas King, Truth and Bright Water is written in present tense with first person POV. That made me remember all those wanks I've seen about the use of that in fanfic... So many people act as if it's the mark of a bad writer, and I just can't help but roll my eyes.

✿ Trying to cut down on coffee is turning out to be insanely difficult, because I genuinely like coffee. Even just replacing it with tea is a cup full of disappointment. Oh well, going to have to keep trying with this, because caffeine addiction sucks and it would be nice to be able to go past 10 AM without having coffee and not risk an awful headache....

✿ I'd thought I was through this particularly bad patch of depression, but I'm not. This sucks. I'm not even sad, it's just that the very state of existence is exhausting and I can just barely muster up enough give-a-damn to be annoyed about that.


Jan. 15th, 2016 11:11 pm
yuuago: (A Redtail's Dream - Tuonela)

My brain is really not being kind to me right now. It wants to sulk and feel down for no particular reason. Argh argh argh.

I went for a run, and I feel a little better, but not... better enough. I just can't pick myself up today, argh.

And I know it's going to be better tomorrow, after I get some sleep, but that doesn't make me feel better now.

Though some music has been helping keep me calm, at least, so that's nice. I've been listening to Nest at the Shelter - First Awakening which is basically an hour of live-played kantele music by some dude from a band that I've never heard of. At first I was like "wait, what is this?" but then he actually started playing and... mannn, awesome. It's nice to just have it in the background. Very... calming and soothing and nice. <3 I'll probably have to come back to it some time, because I don't have enough time on my hands to listen to the whole thing right now, and it is so good.


Jan. 8th, 2016 10:38 pm
yuuago: (SSSS - Emil - Shrug)
☆ PSA: I'm running a draw for SSSS Book 1, so for those who don't have it yet, you can find out how to enter here. (And if you're one of those people without a tumblr, I'm managing entries with a spreadsheet, so just contact me on Dreamwidth or something. Sockpuppets are okay too. [/LOOKS AT CERTAIN FOLKS])

☆ On the one hand, I feel randomly chatty. On the other hand, I'm in one of those moods where I feel like I should apologize for my general existence. Yeah, brain. Okay. I don't know what you're doing, but okay, you have your little hissy fit, I'll just... sit over here and wait it out.

☆ I probably should have gone for a run tonight, but I didn't, because I ended up watching a film with the horror movie gang for the first time in a couple of weeks - I'd missed the last few because my computer was just plain having none of it. Couldn't handle the stream. It worked well enough tonight, though. We watched Skeleton Key (2005), which... was a pretty interesting film, actually; a little weird, but quite decent, not a bad horror movie at all. Though it could be that I haven't been overexposed to the particular tropes this one deals with; I haven't watched a lot of "US South with creepy swamps and hoodoo" stuff. Unfortunately, I probably shouldn't have watched this film. It deals with some things that turn all the wrong cranks in my head. If I end up having intrusive thoughts in the next couple of days, I will know why. But, it's my fault that I didn't read the summary and didn't look up details. If I had, I would have known what I was getting into.

☆ Anyway. Holy crap, I just came across Walk Off the Earth's cover of "Rude", and it's so good! This song is 100% better with a female singer (and the pronouns unchanged). I kind of want to write something based on it, but I'm racking my brain and none of my femslash pairings seem like they would fit. The only one that comes close is aRTD Jonna/Riikka and... nah, it doesn't really fit, because I really can't imagine Jouko Kuikka telling Riikka "No, you can't marry my daughter". (Though, Riikka's parents - we know nothing about them/their personalities, so maybe... Plus the "Wow, rude. Screw you, we're getting married anyway" reaction feels very Jonna, haa.) Bah, maybe I should just try writing an original thing, kind of like what I did with that mermaid story based on the #findthegirlsonthenegatives photos. Or offer/request it for Jukebox? Though Jukebox falls smack dab in the middle of Nordipalooza, and I don't think that I'd be able to participate in an exchange if I'm running the fest; there's just no time.

☆ And this is where I publicly confess that I might not run Nordipalooza this year. I don't know. I'm considering it. When it gets a little closer to the usual signup time, I'll run a poll to check interest. But interest in Hetalia events held on Dreamwidth has fallen a lot since I first started it up, and the format isn't what's popular in that fandom any more, and I don't know if there would be enough interest for me to bother doing it.

☆ My plans to get up tomorrow morning will probably be dashed. But that's okay. As long as I manage to get a good run in, things should be fine. I'm kind of curious about seeing if I can read while on the treadmill. I've never tried it before, and I forsee two possible outcomes: best-case scenario, it works, and I'll be able to nom through another chunk of Beauty is a Wound. Worst-case scenario, I trip over my own feet and everything ends in tears.
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